Lately, in Burgundar, the town has been beset by a vile Chaos demon named Old Grom. As Grom is wonderfully played, delightfully scene-chewy, and possessed of a somewhat generic appearance (an old man in a black cloak and an eyepatch), he has started to get blamed for things he hasn't even done.
This amused me so much that I wrote a song about it. Here it is.
NOTE: I am not a musician or a poet. I don't know the tune to this song, or if one could even be crafted for it. I doubt that it will scan. Please be gentle. Also, this will likely make sense only to about 40 people, but I hope the conceit is amusing enough that people conversant with the fantasy genre will also enjoy it.
Scene 24
(ENOCH enters, stage right. Traveling leitmotif plays. ENOCH
proceeds to center stage before turning to face the audience.)
ENOCH: Well, that was quite an adventure, wasn’t it, my
friends? Perhaps you and I should take the pilgrim’s path and travel to a place
just a touch less exciting. This here is the road leading to Burgundar, the
largest village in the newest holding of the Duke of Eastmarch. Once the home
of Skandians who all died under mysterious circumstances, it is now a thriving
place filled with commerce and trade. Burgundar is known for its piety…
(IVERA enters, stage left, pushing a wheelbarrow brimming
with relics.)
ENOCH (cont): and people travel far and wide to witness the
weekly procession of its religious relics. Oh, good morning, Ivera.
IVERA (singing): Good morning, Enoch.
(GROM appears stage right. IVERA brings the wheelbarrow over
to him and the two of them look over the relics, nodding and smiling.)
ENOCH: After our adventures with armies of Chaos demons,
siege-tower building rats, intrigue, poison, poorly-cooked food, and miserable
nights sleeping in the rain, it will be nice to rest our feet in a civilized land—a
brief respite against the hard and terrible trials that plague the Mystwood!
(SIR REGINALD comes running in, stage left.)
SIR REGINALD: ENOCH! Thank the three gods! Our town was just
attacked by giant termites. A dozen people lay upon the field dead. We require
your services!
ENOCH: (aside) As I always say, my friends, a man with a
shovel can make money just about anywhere in the Mystwood. (to REGINALD) Ill news, my friend! Giant termites, you say?
How could this have happened?
SIR REGINALD: A Chaos demon named Grom has bewitched the town,
set citizen against citizen, and has laid siege to us for our holy relics!
(GROM cackles quietly. IVERA, nervously, takes her leave.)
ENOCH: Egad! The fiend!
SIR REGINALD: He is the worst, Enoch! He also steals candy from tiny children and kicks puppies.
SIR REGINALD: He is the worst, Enoch! He also steals candy from tiny children and kicks puppies.
GROM: (storming across the stage) I do not!
SIR REGINALD: Grom…
GROM: What is it with you ignorant peasants?! Every time something slightly bad happens around here, all you ever do is blame Grom. Grom did this! Grom did that! Grom put thistles in my underwear…
SIR REGINALD: Grom…
GROM: What is it with you ignorant peasants?! Every time something slightly bad happens around here, all you ever do is blame Grom. Grom did this! Grom did that! Grom put thistles in my underwear…
ENOCH: Well, you are evil, right?
(Music fades in.)
GROM: I’m not evil. I’m…complicated.
ENOCH: Uh huh.
SIR REGINALD: You are a demon of Chaos.
GROM: I’m not technically a demon, per se.
SIR REGINALD AND ENOCH: Close enough.
GROM: I’m not technically a demon, per se.
SIR REGINALD AND ENOCH: Close enough.
SIR REGINALD
There’s been trouble
down in Burgundar
It’s been going on a
while.
The master of our
many miseries
Is really cruel and
vile.
He curdles milk
within the pitcher
And scares off all
our cats.
And you know, I heard
he also burned
All of Hotti’s hats.
GROM: I DID NOT!
SIR REGINALD AND
ENOCH
Blame Grom.
Blame Grom.
It’s an easy way to
keep calm.
Why worry when you
can just sing
And just blame him
for everything!
Blame Grom.
Blame Grom.
Burgundar’s newest
psalm.
Why try to be
responsible
When you can blame
that cannibal!
(CONNOR enters.)
GROM: I am not a cannibal!
CONNOR: I am! Thanks, Grom!
GROM: AGGH!
GROM
It’s true that I’m a
touch nefarious
Maybe even a bit mad.
I’ll cop to allying
myself to Chaos.
But I’m really not
that bad!
For though I wear
this grim black cloak,
Have a patch and an evil
laugh.
I’m not responsible
for all your woes.
No, not even close to
half!
SEBASTIAN and CELESTINE enter.
CELESTINE: There he is!
SEBASTIAN: Enoch, that’s the man I was telling you about!
The one who sold us the Codex de Bono
Mortis!
GROM: I did no such thing!
ENOCH: Let’s not rush to judgment. Describe the person who
sold you this book.
SEBASTIAN: Well, he was an old man.
ENOCH: Mmhmm.
CELESTINE: With scars.
SEBASTIAN: And an eyepatch.
ENOCH: I see…
SEBASTIAN: And an eyepatch.
ENOCH: I see…
CELESTINE: Wearing a black cloak!
GROM: Look, do you know just how many old men in eyepatches
and black cloaks are lurking around in the forest?
SIR REGINALD: I only know of one. You fiend!
GROM: Oh, come on!
EVERYONE
Blame Grom.
Blame Grom.
Keep calm and sing
this song.
GROM: That doesn’t even rhyme!
Why worry when you
can just sing
And just blame him
for everything!
Blame Grom.
Blame Grom.
Burgundar’s newest
psalm.
Why try to take
initiative
If you can repeat
this leitmotive?
ENOCH
All those poor miners
that got rock lung
Are now buried in the
dirt.
You’re a monster for
afflicting them,
Don’t you see how
much we hurt?
(KORA and NICHOLAI enters)
KORA
I offered him a
snickerdoodle
I thought he was
really nice!
But then he went and
betrayed the town.
And afflicted me with
lice.
GROM: Kora!
NICHOLAI
He wove such a tale
of deception,
And tricked us to get
his eye.
He also gave me bad
dating tips.
He’s not a real nice
guy.
GROM: I told you to be yourself!
ENOCH: How did that work out for
you?
NICHOLAI: (sigh) It didn’t.
EVERYONE
Blame Grom.
Blame Grom.
Now I’m going solo to
my prom!
Why worry when you
can just sing
And just blame him
for everything!
Blame Grom.
Blame Grom.
Burgundar’s newest
psalm.
Why bother trying to
do good
When he’s in your
neighborhood?
Blame Grom.
Blame Grom.
Did you just
sacrifice your mom?
With our convenient scapegoat
demon
You don’t even need a
reason!
Blame Grom.
Blame Grom.
Burgundar’s perfect
balm.
KORA
A beggar asking for
an alm?
SIR REGINALD
Got a rash upon your
palm?
SEBASTIAN
Are you feeling full
of qualm?
ENOCH
Undead you need to
embalm?
EVERYONE
Whenever life’s a
giant mess
And you need to burn
off all that stress
Just lift your head
up really high
And yell your scorn
into the sky!
AND BLAME GROM!
(IVERA enters)
IVERA: Well, I like
him.
END
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